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Post by Rei on Dec 13, 2006 23:27:06 GMT -5
Saved by Grace
I glance into the mirror, I see an emotionless girl infront of me. She wears black, dark blue and gray everyday. Her loneliness and lack of friends is what she calls her punishment for being a sinner.
I snap myself back to reality and feel for the handle of my front door. I slam it shut with one swift movement when I'm out the door. It's winter and the snow drifts down from the sky, covering the earth with a single layer of ice cold glaze.
I feel the wind blow against me, as if to lift me off the ground to fly. If I could only escape... I stop and look out in front of me to see how far I've walked. I'm staring at the doors of the school you might say. No, I'm standing in front of the gates to Hell...
I creep in with an expressionless face, eyes that reveal nothing. Everyone avoids me as I slink down the hallway. The school time flies by with a blur replacing it in my memory, like every other day it is not significant. Finally, the last period, I take out a small blue note book and it is gilded with gold. On the cover it is written in neat cursive, " Rakka and Kazumi".
I flip through the pages and look at the drawings. I flip to the last page that has something drawn on it, it hadn't been finished yet, there had been smudges where Kazumi had carefully shadowed it. There is a girl with a light blue summer dress. She has fierce piercing blue eyes. And in the background there are millions of black butterflies fluttering everywhere. She kneels there, and she has radiant sky blue butterfly wings raised out and unfolded in full flourish. Her long raven hair is blowing violently in the wind, it spreads everywhere. The edges of the pages were caked with crimson blood. I stared into space for a few minutes then the bell rang.
I started to walk out the door, " Rakka? May I see you for a moment?" my teacher, Mrs. Y said. She had long jet black hair and it was highlighed with brown and red, she wore a black blouse and a slightly light blue skirt that reached down to her knees. I could tell from her gaze that she was examining me as well, she lifted her eyes to look into my eyes. " You know... Kazumi's death wasn't your fault... She wouldn't have wanted you to punish yourself."
I remained expressionless, " May I leave now?" I stood in silence staring and waiting, then she gave me a slight nod. I ran out the door, why did she care anyway? What did she know? I however remembered the day perfectly, with out missing a single detail.
That day we were going to finish one of our drawings, we planned to meet at the tree we always met at and as always I packed lunch. I remember packing sushi that day, Kazumi's favorite. We sat down at the small stump near the tree and set the packed lunch on there, Kazumi was wearing a sun hat with a light blue summer dress, she looked about like the girl in our drawn picture, minus the butterfly wings.
The wind was unstable that day, and I remember Kazumi's hat getting blown away, she moved her hands up to her hat and pulled it down. The notebook however got blown away, Kazumi ran after it after saying, " I'll get it!" She ran into the street bending down to pick up the notebook.
Honk Honk.
I remember watching in horror, I stared at her with total shock, I called out a bit too late, " Kazumi!" Her eyes widened as she watched the car draw closer within her last few moments. There was a terrifying BOOM! And the next thing I remember was blood splattering everywhere. Then I woke up at the hospital, I heard the doctor explain to my parents outside of my door, " She's fine, she just suffered from pure shock that's all..."
I shook my head a few times to see if it was real. It seemed like a bad dream, as the events of that day came back to me, I screamed, " Kazumi!" There was a pause, then I saw the knob turn and the door swing open. " Where's Kazumi?" I demanded upon seeing the doctor. There was an uncomfortable pause, I studied their faces, I knew that Kazumi had always liked to play tricks on me and often times my parents joined in. I secretly knew the answer, but in desperation, I repeated my question, " Where is Kazumi?"
" Sh-She's..." my mother started to say. I saw Kazumi's mother standing at the door leaning against it as if she had no more strength left to stand up right. I felt myself starting to choke out sobs, I was petrified. Angered. Enraged. Depressed.
I started to choke out in between sobs, " No way, Kazumi isn't dead... Y-you guys are just playing a trick on me," I plugged my ears and started to scream at that point. My vision started to get blurry and I fell back down on my bed like a stone, and fell unconsious again.
The next day I remember waking up again to a table full of get well cards, I read through each one crying as I went on. Kazumi's cards were mixed along with my pile, our friends at our school hadn't gotten the horrible news yet. I started to starve myself and cry day and night, everyday I would cry myself to sleep waking up with total shock at seeing myself still in my nightmare.
I remember her funeral, they handed me the notebook and I stayed there the longest. I refused to cry, thinking that if I did, it would all become reality and any sense of hope would be shredded into nothingness. I stayed there until the sunset and the moon rose, I knelt and whispered, " Kazumi... Wake up... I know you're not dead... Stop playing... I know that you are just playing... Stop playing... It's scaring me..." I promised to her in front of her grave that I'd never... never find anyone to replace her... Ever.
The month after that I remember it being close to Christmas time and I had to repeat the same story time to time, I was close to tears at remembering the memory each time.
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Post by Rei on Jun 13, 2007 9:42:42 GMT -5
right. I already finished it XD....
Several weeks before Christmas I bought all our friends 2 candy canes, one from me one from Kazumi. Each year, I would give out a green candy cane and Kazumi a red one. and then we would exchange candy canes with each other as well, that year I drew a picture of a girl that looked a lot like Kazumi and she stood by a house a lot like her own, except there was a glaze of snow and it looked like Heaven.
Everyday as I went on, I saw it as more of an opportunity to die, I had a notebook of ways to die. I had kept it and everyday I would look into it to see which way I would try that day. Every time I decided to jump out the window, every time I looked out, and... I wouldn't be able to do it. Every time I decided to drown I'd keep my head above the water. Once, when I actually mixed up a poison I read from a book, I drank it, but I didn't die. I just felt sick for a few days, and the next day I found at the back of the book it said, “Not proven perfect".
3 years later, here I am today. Today I am at school, in study hall. I'm drawing another picture today, a side view. A girl with two silver silk ribbons on either side of her hair, she's wearing a silver kimono with small blue flowers imprinted on the bottom. She had raven black hair and strawberry pink lips. She wore a soft smile with a bittersweet look to it; there was a tinge of sadness with her slight up-curving lips. Her white wings had a grayish tint to it and there was grey rain falling from the sky. She stood there by herself, an angel, fallen from the sky.
3 years ago before Kazumi died, her favorite season was spring and every year we would have a picnic in honor of spring exactly on Ground Hog's Day. When winter was just beginning to melt into spring. This year I'm having the picnic alone, just like all our scheduled picnics for every holiday and such. Today would either be my last day to live or my first day to start not wanting to die. This was my last chance, if I didn't die today then it'd be fate, and I'd start stop trying to die. Happy much? No, I saw it as giving up on Kazumi again, in a morbid kind of way. I walked into the shop, The Black Sheep or rather through the back door of it. “Karasu?" I asked. Karasu was one of my good friends, he had been very good friends with me and Kazumi. Actually there had been 5 of us and yes I know how to count there were two others, Shiku and Kiri. Karasu was the fourth son of the fourth son, which made him "unlucky" due to the fact that four meant death. He had 3 older brothers and The Black Sheep was the family store, I thought this was very fitting considering that Karasu was the black sheep of the family and he was running the store called, The Black Sheep. He had light chestnut colored hair and he had dark brown chocolate eyes.
“Yes what can I do for you today Miss Rakka?" Karasu asked, in a teasing tone, he was sitting behind a pile of random junk. The type of random junk you could only find in The Black Sheep. There was a box for donations and throwing out random things that no one wanted in there that Karasu would sell in The Black Sheep. I came here a lot, mostly to buy things to suicide with and Karasu knew why and knew that it was a touchy subject so never mentioned it much. I also came here a lot because there were massage chairs in the corner of the shop and a bubble tea machine in the corner opposite of it.
I get straight to the point, which probably isn’t a good thing usually, “Do you have something that can kill?”
“You mean like pesticides?” he asked, then laughed at his own joke.
“Ha. Ha.” I laughed sarcastically. “So now you’re calling me a pest? Great, how thoughtful of you.”
Karasu looked apologetically at me, then said, “There was something that came in today that’s label said, ‘Warning: Poison so Strong you could DIE.’ But then again… if it’s something someone didn’t want does it mean that it doesn’t work? I wouldn’t swear on it that it’d work but it’s something you can try.” He said shrugging then holding out a bottle filled with a milky substance.
I took out my black leather wallet from my purse, “How much?” I asked curtly.
Karasu looked up thoughtfully as if to think about how much it should be, he broke out into a toothy grin, “For you it will be free.”
I almost said, “ Gee it took you that long to think of that one line?” but I stopped myself and took out a crisp twenty dollar bill from my wallet and put it into his hand as I grabbed the bottle, “ Twenty dollars, no buts, no nothing. Cause I don’t want to hear it.” I said, turning to walk out the door, but before I reached it Karasu grabbed my wrist.
“Are you still trying to kill yourself to see Kazumi again?” he asked, looking dead serious.
“And if I am?” I asked him with a why-do-you-care expression, it was a very touchy subject and that expression told him to back off, or else.
He broke out into a grin again, “Ah, alright then, see ya later.”
I walked out of the door and began to think, about the five of us. The next person was Kiri who we met right after Karasu, because the two of them tended to be together a lot, because they were good “hakushuku” the Japanese word for brothers.
I suspected that they knew each other a while ago. We were the group that no one ever could or rather really wanted to split up, we were together and stuck together like glue, although, I had a slight experience with hair gel that had something to do with the words stuck, sticky and annoying, but that’s a story for another time.
Kazumi had always been the in our little group, she was the one that introduced us all to each other. And after Kazumi left, I saw no reason to stay together in a group like this, or rather me stay in it. So I was the one, the one who split us all up.
My last act was the most ruthless one; we had a spiral that we all wrote in. It had many things in it dating back from when we were back in kindergarten. It had confessions of Karasu and my love that we shared for each other, but that was in the past and a story for another time. Anyhow, I bought another notebook, and I was mad that day so in everyone’s faces I threw it into the glowing flames of my fireplace. To my surprise no one went to pick it back from the flames. We all seemed to be in daze, but to this day I’m still the only one who knows I saved the real copy. I even photocopied a few pages to make it look real. I knew I was dragging everyone down, so I had to pull them back up, even if it meant pushing them away from me.
I blink blankly as I realize I just bumped into the door of my house. Keys. I think as I turn the knob of my door. I blink again rummaging through my purse for my keys, and then I turned it over and dumped everything out, squatting down on the ground. KEYS? WHERE ARE THEY? I SAW THEM JUST 10 SECONDS AGO! I thought, frustrated. I started to pick everything back up, “Make up, tissues, cell phone wallet, change bag, keys, notebook, stationeries, pen, pencil, pencil case…” I blink again, “Wait… I just had my keys… WHERE DID THEY GO AGAIN?” I yelled spitting the last words out.
I look off to the side and I see a keychain, our keychain. It had small plastic figures of the five of us and it was simple but all five of them were unique. It was one day a long time ago, when we went to a mall 5 miles away from us just to get this keychain. We all have identical key chains. It was a simple chain with us all chained onto it, I don’t know why I still have it now, but I keep it as one of my last reminders. I lunge over to grab the keychain when someone else grabs it and lifts it up off from the ground. I look up ready to pounce on whoever it is that’s stealing my keychain. I blink slowly and the name comes out a gasp, “Kiri?”
The silver haired boy smiles and gives me my keychain. “Rakka.”
“Why, how, when did you get here?”
He remains silent as something behind him moves; I hadn’t noticed her until now, “Shiku?” I blink wide-eyed I haven’t seen them for years now, the only person I had still been in contact with, somewhat was Karasu. If it wasn’t for her signature outfit that she was wearing I wouldn’t have recognized her. She wore her signature outfit of a black sleeveless qi pao (a Chinese styled shirt) top and she wore tight black pants. Due to the cold weather the only thing she changed about it was the midnight blue long sweater-like coat she wore over it. And also a see-through midnight blue scarf was wrapped around her neck. Her hair that was long, black and brown highlighted was now totally black and she had two black ribbons on either side.
“Yup!” she replied, letting go of Kiri’s hand and giving me a warm hug. She changed a lot over the years, besides that she was still wearing her signature outfit, everything crept me out. Shiku didn’t hug people; at least she didn’t warmly hug and accept people. And there was something about ribbons and Shiku that didn’t mix and probably would never mix. Third, that was the most awkward of all; she wasn’t having a contest of who had the biggest mouthful of insults to spit out with Kiri. Kiri and Shiku had always been enemies, well as far as sibling enemies could go they didn’t get along at all. They weren’t actually blood related, which many people didn’t get, however, I seemed to pick up that Shiku had some hidden feelings for Kiri.
Kiri on the other hand, looked exactly like his cold, sarcastic and dumb self. He was still the slowest person about everything I knew, and his tone in itself was sarcastic. And he looked as if he was about to walk away, which would result in him announcing that he would go to sleep and Shiku would chase after him cussing him out in the end. Shiku looked at me expectantly. We stared at each other until I got the idea what she wanted me to do, but no.
I unlocked the door, “Sorry, today I’m a bit busy today maybe we can hang out tomorrow or something.” Assuming I’m still alive.
Kiri stared at me dully, “Does it have something to do with suicide for Kazumi again?”
I stopped dead in my tracks, with a single word, but a powerful word I walked into my house, “Yes.” I closed the door in their faces with a click the door locked.
I take out cake mix that I was mixing this morning; I add the solution I got from Karasu in. I mixed it more then put it in to the oven waiting for it to get ready. I listen to the door unlock, my thoughts flicker quickly, Mom’s home already? No it wasn’t mom, I’m not sure if I would’ve been happier if it was, it was Kiri stepped into the house. In the beginning, I’ve never been that close to Kiri, but after a few incidents with Karasu I tended to talk to him a lot he saw me cry once or twice and after a while we sort of were close and we somewhat still are. Even though I pushed them all away, I think Kiri was probably the most reluctant to give up on me.
He had a hardened expression on his face, “Why.” He stared at me and for a second I knew I was quivering under his stare. I knew well enough what he was talking about; he was holding a notebook under his arm. “Why?” he repeated still staring through me.
“What do you mean ‘why'? Why what?” I said returning a calm stare, I knew I was breaking down under him, but he didn’t know that.
“You lied.”
I stared at him in disbelief, “But how did you?”
Shiku walked in at this time, “Rakka, you know how after we split up me and Kiri went to America to go to school? We came back, just last month. Kiri still worried about you for these 3 years since we’ve been in America, Kiri has been worried.”
“There’s no need to be saying things that don’t need saying.” Kiri commanded Shiku.
Shiku went on, “Right after we got off the plane we came here Rakka. Remember? We went to the lock smith before; we each have a set of keys for everyone’s house and car.” She had a split second glance at the notebook, “We were shocked in finding this arisen from the dead.”
I guess I looked as if something had finally clicked in me, cause something did, a few years ago we had a incident where Kazumi had forgotten her keys to her house in the middle of winter, but each of us were busy that day, because we were planning a party at my house although Kazumi had finished her part early so we told her to come to my house later at 6 pm. Imagine our shock when we found Kazumi sitting leaning against the door to my house, her cheeks were both red and her legs were so purple and blue that we thought she had been in a fight.
She sat there numb for the next few minutes as we sat around her trying to get her up, it wasn’t until I came home with Karasu that I opened the door and Karasu piggybacked her into the house. The next day we had went to the local lock smith and had him make us 5 pairs of each of our keys, to our cars to our houses and such to avoid such incidents again.
Kiri grabbed toward the bottle in my hand, “This again? Don’t you think it’s enough that Kazumi died already, it’s not anymore your fault then the rest of ours. It’s time to move on Rakka.”
My stare became an instant glare; I could feel myself bristling with anger the power of it sent chills down my spine. “Move on? MOVE ON?” I was yelling at this point now. “What do you mean ‘Move on’? You’re saying its okay to just leave Kazumi behind? I know I care about her, but if you don’t you’re less human than I thought you were!” I spat out the last words with hate filled in each one of them.
Kiri looked as if he had just been slapped across the face, I could tell it was taking every ounce of strength he had just to keep from killing me. “I don’t care about her less than any one of you. We were all depressed and we still are. But Rakka, time changes everything; you can’t just keep being trapped in the past you have to look toward the future.” Then he said the words everybody had been saying to me since the beginning of time. “Kazumi wouldn’t have wanted you to punish yourself like this.”
I started to back away from him as I heard a small Ding from the oven. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at the plate and the knife I had set on my marble table then back at Kiri. He had a so-what-are-you-going-to-do expression right now. I started to soften against the expression, but then I realized what I would be doing if I did. “No.” I said to the unsaid question. I walked back toward my oven and pulled out the pan with my cake in it and I cut a small piece and set it on my plate. Across from me I set another plate and knife, empty with the pan of cake set out in front of it. I was looking straight across from me and on the surface I was looking out the window, but I was really looking at the image of Kazumi I’ve always had in my mind.
The next thing I knew before I even took a bite was a loud and nerve-racking clanging sound. And there was a silver haired boy to the right of me eyes filled with anger and something else unexpected. Tears. I sat there, numb with anger, but a small part of me held me back from doing anything, being unable to choose what to do I sat there with him staring at me in silence.
Shiku came up behind him, “How.” Was the single word she said, it felt like a sting to my cheek as she knelt down next to the chair I was sitting on, her face was stained with tears. “How did you become like this? You were never like this before!” she was screaming now, the last time I’ve seen her eyes filled with what I see in them now. Fear and agony. This time Shiku broke apart faster and more thoroughly than Kiri did. Her right hand gripped onto my shirt and she was crying onto my jeans.
I don’t understand how I am still so ruthless after I watched them breaking down in front of me. I was the one pulling them apart and forcing them onto the edge of their sanity. “Like Kiri said, time changes everything, we can’t stay in the past and so now here I am changed into the future.” I felt something sting me across my face almost paralyzing me, I looked up, “Shiku…” Her eyes paralyzed me they were deep pools of obsidian I felt as though I was falling into them.
Shiku screamed with every word she said, she had been the calmest out of us all always, and I guess it ran in the family, cause Kiri was calm as well, I had never seen her shatter like this. I’ve never seen her so broken before. And I’ve never seen her so dark before.
Shiku had an odd problem, when she was on the edge of shattering or already broken she would turn into what we called, “Dark Shiku”. It had two sides to it, and the first one was the usual that came out, she would become cold and emotionless to everything. The second was the one that scared me most; it was what she was turning into right now.
Kiri was looking at her almost scared, I knew we were both in the same agony of watching her break like this, yet I was looking as if I was still oblivious to what was happening. The last time I had seen her like this was when she locked herself up into a room painted black by her, she sat in the corner. She had sat there for days by herself breaking and almost dying. It was when Kiri had almost died in a car accident and he was in a coma.
That’s when for the first time in 3 years I cracked. I cracked my shell it just had a small chip into it not deep enough to shatter all the depression, sadness and anger at the world I had, but it was a start, and I started to cry. My first tears in 3 years that had feeling linked onto them. “Shiku…” I whispered softly. “It’s going to be okay… stopping crying…”
Kiri and I had difficulties with calming her down but after 5 hours of convincing and endless crying she was calmed again. Shiku stared at us with bloodshot eyes, “What happened?” she asked silently, she was multiple personalities and everything that happened to her when she switched was blurry because she was schizophrenic. This I knew so I didn’t spaz like I usually would’ve when someone asks me what happened after they just broke down.
After hearing the events that had just happened Shiku nodded to her and said, “Alright, you owe me one Rakka, I have a favor to ask of you.”
“Yeah what?”
“You have to promise you’ll do it first.”
I hesitated knowing that I might live my life regretting this moment. I took a deep breath, “Alright, I promise.”
“You’re coming to church with me today,” Shiku said calmly.
“No.” was my firm answer. I had a strange grudge against church and God, who used to be my life and soul. I practically lived at church, but after Kazumi’s death, I never went back and I had thought I probably never would. But now Shiku was standing before be deliberately asking for the impossible.
“Just today… Please…” Shiku begged.
“No.” I repeated. “No means no. It’s not possible.”
“Nothing is impossible,” Shiku stated, “it’s just you don’t want it to be possible.” Kiri who was watching the exchange of remarks pulled Shiku out of the room to another room and slammed the door shut. I could hear their muffled voices through the door. “Shiku, what are you thinking? Rakka’s not ready for it yet, we’ve already made an incredible impact today, why are you trying to rub more salt into the scar?”
“Kiri, you have to believe me on this one. I was crying last night really hard… And I prayed for Father to save her. And then when I opened my eyes I looked into the Bible to the first page I flipped to and read the first verse I set my eyes on. And you know what it was?” Shiku asked.
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in he name of God’s one and only Son.”
- John 3:16-18
“Kiri, don’t you understand? Rakka has been condemned because of the past. Do you want her to live her life that she could be in heaven in hell? She’ll be saved, I know she will, I’ve become a messenger of God.” Shiku said.
When they walked out they needed no farther explanation, “Let’s go,” I said simply.
I was greeted by many people, I was a part of this church not too long ago, and I left when I pushed everything away many people had tried to convince me to come back and failed. Many people gave us all hugs and welcomed us back.
“Rakka?” someone said with a voice filled with surprise.
“Misuzu!” I yelled, Misuzu was my small group bible study teacher and most importantly she had been the biggest impact in my life, she had led me to God. We exchanged hugs, she wasn’t much older than me, she was only 23 years old and still lived in her dormitory in college, but she came back every Friday night and every Sunday morning to teach.
Today I knew was Praise Night, we had one every now and then and for the past 3 years everyone had been trying to get me to come. I walked onto the familiar stage, then a familiar face came up to me, Kyanto, our Worship Team leader for today who would be leading our singing of praise. He grinned at me, “What luck, Cici called in today just now and said she was really sick with a fever so she can’t be in today I was just about to worry about who would be our other guitar player and I have a scratchy throat today so I can’t really take center mike.” He looked at me expectantly.
I sighed reluctantly, “Oh alright…”
The lights were beginning to dim and a person from our Serving Team who I recognized as well began to speak, he noticed me on the stage then grinned, “ First off, we have to welcome back Rakka!” Some people walked onto the stage and gave me hugs others started echoing in a stream of welcome backs. “Anyhow, we want to thank all our youth leaders, small group leaders, Worship Team and Serving Team for tonight and the moms for the food we’ll be having later on.” Each group of people stood up as they were named.
The Worship Team along with me who was already on the stage got into their positions, I got the familiar guitar from the back, our church’s guitar. The first song that came on was one I recognized.
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling Of its suffering I do drink Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed Showed that God is love And God is just
At the cross You beckon me You draw me gently to my knees, and I am Lost for words, so lost in love, I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift, undeserved life Have I been given Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death You’ve called me into life And I was under Your wrath Now through the cross I’m reconciled
At the cross You beckon me You draw me gently to my knees, and I am Lost for words, so lost in love, I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
In awe of the cross I must confess How wondrous Your redeeming love and How great is Your faithfulness
At the cross You beckon me You draw me gently to my knees, and I am Lost for words, so lost in love, I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
At the cross You beckon me You draw me gently to my knees, and I am Lost for words, so lost in love, I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
It was Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle. A few hours later we ate and then finally we started to pray. Several people prayed and a few started to cry. “Anyone else?” my youth leader was asking.
Then slowly I picked myself up and walked up to the stage positioning myself in front of the microphone looking down at first and began my sad story, “ 3 years ago, I’m pretty sure all the Seniors, Leaders and Juniors know who I’m talking about, but for those who don’t know a girl named Kazumi Yau died. And all those 3 years I have been punishing myself. And you know what? Today I stopped; I started moving forward in time again. And I have to thank a few people for that. Karasu, Shiku and Kiri? Thanks… A lot. And also many others. I want to thank God for all of these friends I’ve had to help me pull through this. In your son’s precious name, Amen.”
I realized that Shiku who was sitting in the front row was crying and so was I.
And now, 1 year later, here I am… Not mourning anymore… If it hadn’t been that day when Kiri had prevented me from dying and Shiku had invited me to church, I probably wouldn’t have changed and would’ve died a sinner. But now I’m devoted to God as much as I was to mourning. And I’ve moved on since that last time in 4 years.
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